Wasted blog space?

This week I’ve decided to post something that is of no value. Anti-humor is not for everyone, but I personally find it hysterical. So I hope you enjoy my favorite anti jokes. Please feel free to add your own favorites in the comments!

Dr. Steve’s favorite anti jokes

Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t – numbers are not sentient and therefore they are incapable of fear.

What’s the difference between a Jew and a boat? One is a person with a specific set of religious beliefs and the other is a device for traversing waterways.

I will never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Burning to death.

Who didn’t let the gorilla into the ballet? Just the person who was in charge of making that decision.

I got 99 problems and I’m seeing a therapist about them.

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they saw the potential danger in the situation.

How do you get two whales in a car? You can’t. Whales are enormous creatures and will not fit into something as  small as a car.

Yo momma’s so fat, that she should consider changing her diet and exercising more often.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it’s a bird of prey.

An Italian guy, a German guy, and a Mexican guy jump off a building. They all die on impact and their families mourn the loss for years to come.

Why are Canadians afraid of chainsaws? Because chainsaws are very powerful machines, capable of causing dismemberment and death.

How do you make a plumber cry? You set him on fire.

FUN FACT: If humans stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown.

How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one – it’s not a very difficult task and electricians are trained for this sort of thing.

What has 11 arms, 6 hands and is purple? Nothing.

Why did the blonde woman jump off a bridge? Because she was clinically depressed and didn’t want to live anymore.

I was reading a book on anti-gravity, but put it down because it was boring.

An elephant walks into a bar and orders a peanut butter martini. The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him. The man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

Longer anti jokes (I recommend you do not read these – you’ve been warned!)

Two chemists walk into a restaurant. When the waiter serves them, one says “I’d like H20.” The other chemist then says “I’d like H20 too.” The waiter serves them their drinks, and the second chemist dies.

The waiter then considers for a moment why, for any reason, the restaurant should have a supply of Hydrogen Peroxide. It had no purpose being in this establishment, let alone being in the kitchen where it could be confused easily as regular water. He confronts the owner of the restaurant on the issue, wherein the proprietor of the business apologizes profusely to both the waiter and the deceased’s colleague. The owner attempts to bribe the waiter and pleads for him to not bring the police into this issue. The waiter, however, sees no other way to resolve this situation.

The restaurant was closed down as a result, the owner was then sentenced to a lengthy prison sentence and the waiter regarded as a “hero.” However, the confusion that lead to the death of the chemist haunted him. It plagued his every waking moment. He saw no way to relieve the mental burden that his completely accidental action had caused other than to seek medical attention. As a result, he attended psychiatric therapy for the better part of two years, which helped ease the stress, and he now lives happily in a small studio apartment in Chicago.

He has vowed never to return to the town in which this tragic accident had occurred.

A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.

The podiatrist says, “Moth, what’s the problem?” And the moth says, “Where do I begin? Every day I get up to another cruel day. It’s like the sun is mocking me as I begin the grueling preparations for another 8-hours of slogging in meaningless toil for my boss. I’m a grey captive in a grey cubicle in a grey office with no windows that I might see beyond the grey clouds. I just sit in my cubicle as I feel the throbbing ache of the best days of my life withering away into a monotonous, forgettable flurry of irrelevant corporate drudgery. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t think my boss even knows. All he knows is that he has power over me.”

The podiatrist says, “That’s terrible, but I’m not sure I can help. I’m a podiatrist. You should really speak to a therapist.”

The moth continues, “My wife just left me for a butterfly. And my children – sigh – my daughter is always on her cellphone, texting away. I haven’t spoken to her in weeks. My oldest son is never home and when he is, he’s locked in his room listening to angry music. My youngest son, he’s only 4, I look at him and he asks me to play – and I feel nothing. No love, no tenderness, just a void.”

The podiatrist says, “I’m so sorry for your pain. But once again, I’m a podiatrist. I can’t really help you. You should go see a therapist. “

The moth says, “And when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize the face staring back at me. It’s aged so much from the young moth I remember. The years have carved deep lines of despair, worry and anguish – dark, hollow eyes where once gleamed hope and excitement. If only I could find the courage to reach over to the side table and remove the loaded gun. And then find the strength to pull back that hammer as the chamber rotates, clicking solidly into place, raising it to my temple for the final squeeze that will erase the last shreds of my existence from this wasted life.”

Once again the podiatrist repeats, “Well, Moth, you’re in pretty rough shape. You need to get some help. But I’m a podiatrist. Please go see a therapist.”

“You’re right,” says the moth. “I’m sorry to waste your time.” And the moth starts heading toward the door.

The podiatrist calls to the moth,  “Can I just ask one question? Why did you come to me?”

And the moth says, “Because your light was on.”

If you think some of your Facebook friends might enjoy these, please share.

Hopefully next week I will provide something of value!

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